Clown Prosecution and past-its-sell-by-date happiness - two new poems by Ian Hunter

​Two new poems – Failures of the Clown Proscecution Service and My Happiness is Past its Sell By Date – for you now from Ian Hunter. Ian is a children's author, short story writer, poet, editor and occasional book reviewer. He's a member of the Glasgow Science Fiction Writers Circle, a director of the Scottish writers collective Read Raw, and poetry editor of the British Fantasy Society Journal.
http://www.ian-hunter.co.uk/home


FAILURES OF THE CLOWN PROSECUTION SERVICE
by Ian Hunter

It was all over the news
The collapse of the Hooter Heart Attack trial
when the lead witness admitted
all clown make-up 
looked the same to him in the moonlight

Crimewatch tries its best
Have you seen this clown, a policeman asks
Carries a plank and goes by the name of Blumpo

CCTV footage shows a custard pie assault
a plastic flower scooshing
someone getting a bucketful of glitter all over them

Outside, I hear the sound 
of an alarm
from a house, or a shop, or a car
then the slap, slap of giant, oversized shoes
hitting the pavement

Quickly, I draw the blinds
Check the door is locked
Go from room to room with a big stick
Come out, you clown, wherever you are
No jury would convict me


MY HAPPINESS IS PAST ITS SELL BY DATE
by Ian Hunter

Happiness used to be just that
Then they did what they did
with Marathon Bars (now Snickers)
and Opal Fruits (now Starburst)

Happiness became Cheerfulness
Re-named
Re-branded
Re-packaged

Soon it disappeared from the shelves
only available from specialist shops
then not at all
as EC Directives were implemented
concerned about the effects
flavours, colours and additives
might have on
your mind
your heart
your soul

I kept a little bit of happiness
in the freezer
wrapped in cling film
but it was there too long
chipped out of shape
trying to get the polythene off
its flavour gone